Every now and then I experience what are called "dad moments". I think of these like little reminders of what dad would being doing, saying, telling me, acting like etc. It's been 3 and a half years since dad has been gone and yet I still get teary eyed at these dad moments (I hope I always do).
You know those times where you are brought back to such a sweet place and you want to stay there forever? Maybe that time for you was at Christmas as a little kid hiding on the stairs at 5 in the morning, or getting your first car, or taking driving lessons, or having your first child. Childish happiness. Blissful ignorance. No cares in the world. Some of these dad moments for me are sitting in his lap at any age for any reason and knowing I was always safe there. Performing and knowing that I could always look into the audience and see dad's eyes watching me. Mickey mouse pancakes cooked just for me. Welcome to my dad moments.
This past weekend there were several groups of parents in visiting and I felt very much at home as I was suddenly surrounded by "Howdy!", "yall", "fixin to", etc. Even though it's not your family around, somehow it feels like home. I found myself clinging to the fathers more during the weekend b/c I now crave that fatherly attention. As any good father would do, they bestowed upon me as an adopted daughter their fatherly treatment. This included singing my theme song (Rockin' Robin) whenever I came around, joked around with me, made me laugh, and made me mickey mouse pancakes!
This, of course, brought me to a dad moment. These are things that dad was known for in his lifetime: singing songs and being life of the party, encouraging others, making others laugh, and making mickey mouse pancakes. These men didn't even know dad yet through some fatherly vibe somehow knew that was exactly what I needed. Needless to say the weekend was buenismo (really good!) and then at times was hard to remember what dad was like and to know I don't get to experience that physically from him anymore. Hard concept.
Good thing that isn't where the story ends. Although this is hard to deal with, there has been growth. Growth looks very different at times in other people and sometimes I want to see concrete evidence that I am a different person than before dad died, but I have to say that I don't know if I see or have that concrete evidence. I still struggle with a lot of the same issues as I did beforehand. The difference I see now is where my focus is in regards to dad's death. During the first 2 years my focus was very much inward and self-seeking as I would respond to everything happening TO me. Now, I feel my response and view isn't so much about me. This is how it's supposed to be. Our focus is to be on the grander picture which is Christ not us.
May you take a moment and see the bigger picture today which is Christ, not you, not your job/role, not your present affliction...JUST CHRIST.