r. kelly, a famous singer, sings a song titled "the world's greatest". very inspirational. i imagine it would be the background song to a special olympics promo video or breast cancer survivor video. there is a problem with this song. while it has a great tune and lifts your spirits, the message is all wrong. we actually aren't the greatest. we are quite the opposite. im not saying we are awful human beings, im just saying that far too often i have this mindset, that "yes, i am the greatest". im great at relationships, im great at teaching, im great at making coffee of a morning for my roommate, im great at making people laugh, etc.
this semester i have been continuing a bible study book called "gospel in life" by tim keller (i highly recommend it to anyone and everyone wanting a challenge in their spiritual walk). this book probes at your heart and makes you ask the daunting question of why? why do you do the things you do? what are your motives? why do you feel this necessity to please others? i think you get the point. as you can imagine this book can either push you to the edge of depression finding all this out about yourself, or it can really encourage you in the love of our Father that even though he knows our hearts he continually chases after us.
here is what i realized about myself this weekend...my heart is ugly. i mean like my words can say one thing and in my heart or mind is something else. picture this...im working furiously this weekend to get ready to leave for portland and my roommate is working right alongside me. now, she decides that seeing how she has had a lot accomplished that she will go play. well i can't play b/c i still have work. i decide i will be disciplined in my work and knock it out in one day. she leaves and i bring my clothes to wash them; i open the washer. inside i see my roommate's, the one who is choosing to play, clothes still wet. now multiple thoughts are running through my mind at this point...here comes the ugliness friends. "before she goes to play, can't she just be responsible and finish what she started?" or "i really need the washer so i will hang out her laundry, but only for me to get my stuff done b/c at the moment that's all i care about." so, in my grumbling heart of hearts i begrudgingly hang out all of her clothes, knowing that im wasting my precious work time on her. hours later she comes home and goes on and on about how im a wonderful roommate for hanging out her laundry b/c she forgot! can you imagine? me a great roommate when i was thinking ill of her as i was hanging out her clothes!! i wasn't serving her, i was bashing her in my mind and then she comes home thanking me! she obviously got the wrong idea.
i do things like this over and over again. that's ugly friends. no one likes to talk about that part of their hearts or confess their judgmental spirits. but today is one of confession. im not the world's greatest. i don't have the greatest heart. none of us do. christ knows that about us, chose us anyways, and wants to transform us. may i allow him to do this in my life.